Every day, many of us wonder: Am I illegal?
Until now, there has been no quick and easy way to find out. So frustrating!
I decided it was up to me, as a patriotic citizen, to step in and provide support. Take this 12-question quiz and erase all doubts about your legality or lack thereof.
ARE YOU ILLEGAL?
1. While driving, have you ever knowingly and willfully exceeded the speed limit?
2. Have you gambled — participated for money in an office pool, fantasy football league, home poker or bridge game, or the like?
3. Have you ever thrown out an old tenant’s junk mail? (destroying other people’s mail is a federal offense)
4. Do you sometimes download or share copyrighted songs, shows, or images from the internet?
5. Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?
6. Ever had a Sharpie in your hand in a public place? (Sharpies are classified as graffiti tools, which by law may not be carried in public.)
7. Do you smoke marijuana in one of the 46 states where it is outlawed?
8. On your tax returns, do you occasionally overstate business expenses or understate income? What about the 147 bucks from that yard sale you held last July?
9. Do you fail to report and pay sales tax on all out-of-state catalog and online orders, as required by law?
10. Ever thrown prescription drugs, paint, motor oil, an old cell phone, toner cartridge, or a computer battery into the trash?
11. Have you ever had non-procreative sex (oral, anal, or gay) in one of 14 states where it is still illegal?
12. Did you ever enter a country on a visitor’s or asylum seeker’s visa; find work in a meat processing plant, on a farm, or cleaning offices 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no benefits of any kind; and overstay your visa because your current existence, though grueling and horribly insecure, was preferable to abandoning your children and returning to the place you risked all your money and your life to escape?
Total your “yes” answers and use the key below to interpret your score.
0: Congratulations! You are LEGAL.
1-12: Sorry! You are ILLEGAL.
Please note: If you are illegal, you have 48 hours to report to the nearest deportation facility. We cannot allow lawbreakers such as you to remain in our country. The fact that you have harmed no one and think a lot of these laws are stupid is no excuse. All Sharpies will be confiscated at the border.
p.s. For more on how to be illegal, see “9 Laws Everyone Breaks,” by Dennis Ryan, on AskMen.com, Dec 2016; also “6 Laws You’ve Broken without Even Realizing It,” by Cezary Jan Strusiewicz, on Cracked.com, Sep 2011.)
p.p.s. Feel free to copy or share.